Tales of the Abyss: A Parody Thereof
by Negetive2digit
Summary: A very messed up version of Auldrant from the maker of TOS: A Parody Therof. T for potential language, among other things, that may come up.


**It's time for yet another wacky mix-up of a tales game. This time it's TOA and it's not gonna be pretty…I own nothing!**

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**Chapter 1: A Retard and a Soldier**

Enter a spiffy anime scene that shows the land falling apart to reveal what looks like portals to purple world. The scene then moves up to show the planet Auldruant from above. For some odd reason, a woman that's obviously a major rip-off of Martel is floating around in several transparent incarnations, quoting something that's obviously going to be relevant to the plot later.

_In ND 2000, a jerk-hole with red hair will be born and inherit the power of Lorelei. He will be named the 'light of the sacred flame' and will cause a bunch of issues for the hero of the adventure as he and the hero attempt to find their purpose in life, angsting all the way. In ND 2002, some guy called the 'one who would seize glory' will wreck his homeland, Hod, and go crazy about it in about a decade, prompting him to come up with some really eccentric plan that probably would've fallen apart if it had succeeded. After this Hod blowing-upping, Kimlasca and Malkuth will engage in fisticuffs for a year…_

Meanwhile, in a dark room with a creepy glyph, a girl in brown, who has the same hairdo as the Martel rip-off, dramatically speaks.

"It's finally time…prepare," and, just as dramatically, steps into the glyph and vanishes.

Meanwhile, in Baticul, everyone experienced an odd phenomenon all over the city when the sun suddenly went out and words appeared over the city.

**Baticul, Capital of Light, Kingdom of Kimlasca-Lanvendear, Remday, Rem-decan 23, ND 2018**

The sun then reactivated and many people started to fight over chocolate getting in peanut butter and so on as our attentions turn to the hero of our story, Luke fon Fabre. He wore a white jacket, which had some sort of picture on it, maybe of the devil or something, with no undershirt. His hair was long and red and he also wore brown pants with some sort of yellow things hanging near the knees. Whether or not these were some sort of armor was debatable. In fact, many of his servants had gone temporarily insane attempting to figure this out, so, therefore, I feel I must caution you not to let the same fate befall you as you think of this. Moving on, he also wore some shoes of some sort and some bracelets that were belts or something.

Luke was currently staring vacantly out the window, wondering where the 'big shiny thing' in the sky had gone for a minute when the funny words appeared earlier. Finally coming to the conclusion that the sun had dozed off, he decided to head out of his room, adjusting the wooden sword that he always kept in the sheath on the back of his belt. He'd been told that it was meant to hold a Cutlass, but he still crammed the wooden sword in there anyway and it stuck out by about an inch or two. Suddenly, some old dude's voice decided to hack into his brain, causing a major migraine.

"Hey! Idiot boy! Listen up!" the old guy yelled. Luke clutched his head and screamed like a wussy until there was a dial tone and the voice stopped.

"Guess I'm hearin' things…" he muttered, wondering what he was talking about as he opened the door.

"Hiya, Luke!" the old gardener called.

"Heya!" Luke replied, attempting to remember who the guy was. His ADD quickly kicked in, though, and he spotted a pear on the ground. "Pear!" he exclaimed, picking it up and taking a bite.

"That's right! You remembered!" the old gardener, whose name just happened to be Pere, exclaimed. "Maybe your memory will be back in order soon!"

"Who's talking?" the red-head looked around for the mysterious voice. Pere slapped his forehead in defeat and went back to watering the flowers.

Ramdas, the head butler dude (or whatever it was that his job entailed), finally came out into the courtyard to find Luke after the boy had wandered around the courtyard for a good thirty minutes, almost drowning twice in an attempt to save himself from drowning in the moat. It was a good thing Pere was used to pulling him out of the water.

"Young master, I just saw Dorian General Grants," the butler dude with the semi-Princess-Leia hairdo informed the touched red-head.

"Huh?" he tilted his head.

"Go back to your room until he calls you," Ramdas continued.

"Do what, now?" Luke asked. The man merely sighed impatiently and shoved the young archduke back into the modified tool shed that was his bedroom.

The poor, confused kid attempted to figure out what happened for a while before there was a loud ringing sound and a click, followed by the annoying old man voice again.

"Hey, fragment of my soul! Hear me, darn it!" the voice yelled. Luke started rolling on the floor, clutching his cranium and screaming like a wussy. **Luke gained the title 'Psychopath'!** In the middle of this odd display, an eccentric blonde man jumped in the window in a florescent, yellow suit, complete with a green cape.

"Enter the Amazing Guy!" the guy yelled, putting his foot dramatically up on the bed as some cheesy superhero music swelled from nowhere.

"Heya," Luke said, noticing him and hearing a dial tone again.

"You hearing things again?" Guy asked.

"Who's doin' what, now?" Luke was so utterly confused.

"Must be Malkuth's fault, kidnapping you and all," Guy shrugged.

"Huh?"

"Anyway, wanna sword fight?" he pulled a katana out from under his cape for emphasis. Emphasis of what, though, is the question.

"Master Luke?" a maid said through the door.

"Uh, oh," Guy looked at the door. "It's my one weakness! I must retreat to the Guy Cave!" he jumped out the window and hightailed it to his bedroom, which was decked out in random posters and emblems that he'd made up for himself. **Guy got the title 'Weird Superhero Wannabe'!**

"Luke?" the maid called again.

"Whazzit?" Luke inquired of the magical talking door.

"His grace wants you in the drawing room," she replied.

"Yes, O door of speaky words!" Luke bowed to it and dived out the window, following Guy's example. Unfortunately, he landed on his neck and was reduced to a twitching mass of limbs. With a sigh, Pere got a wheelchair and loaded the boy up.

"I here," Luke slurred slightly as he was wheeled in and up to the table. He suddenly noticed a brown-haired man, dressed completely in white. Said man also had a very wrinkly face and a permanent angry look for no apparent reason. "Master! We train, yes?"

"Later," Van replied in his slow, drawling voice.

"General Grants is going back to Daath," Duke Fabre explained out of the blue. It was another mystery that no one seemed to ever mention the Duke's name. Did he have a first name? Was is actually Duke? Wouldn't that make him Duke Duke Fabre? Ow, my brain…

"Wazzit?" Luke replied.

"I'm the Commandant of the Oracle Knights," Van drawled, stating this fact for the first of a hundred times. "I've got to go look for the effeminate Fon Master Ion,"

"Who's doin' the what, now?" one would quickly get tired of listening to this line when babysitting Luke, that's why Guy, Duke, Susanne, and Van all juggled him (although Pere usually got stuck with him).

"The church of Lorelei's leader," Susanne offered helpfully. "He's the one that's keeping up the truce between us and the much cooler Malkuth Empire,"

"Evenos ended the Hod War and Ion…he's done some stuff too…" Van added. "Anyway, he's missing, so I'm going to go look for him,"

"Uh-huh…" Luke nodded slowly, not really getting it, with a blank look on his face. Suddenly, something struck what little brain he had. "OW!" He put a hand to his forehead. "Waita minute! Who's gon' train me?!" He demanded. Van gave a chuckle that didn't change his permanently angry features.

"I'll get someone to sub for me,"

"But…I want you ta teach me!" Luke started throwing a tantrum.

"Shut up, spoiled brat!" Duke smacked him upside the head, knocking him out. "Oops…" he commented, not sounding very concerned. **Duke gained the title 'Abusive Father'!**

"Honey! Don't start abusing him again!" Susanne shouted, throwing hot soup in Duke's face.

"OW! Crazy wench! Take this!" he chucked a loaf of bread at her, knocking off her stupid-looking hat.

"Oh, it's on now, Fon Fabre!" she screamed, picking up some spicy salsa. Van took the opportunity to drag Luke out into the hallway and dump a Life Bottle on him; he quickly ran off to the courtyard before the kid could come round enough to notice him. Wondering why he heard a battle going on in the drawing room/ dining room/ whaterver-the-heck-it-was room, he wandered aimlessly back into the courtyard. **Susanne got the title of 'Food Chucking Sociopath'!**

"Being an Oracle Knight sucks," Guy replied.

"Yep," Van agreed. "Just take care of things while I'm gone. The Duke, Kingdom, and Luke's-"

"Master Luke!" Pere announced loudly for no real reason.

"-doll collection!" Van added quickly. **Van got the title 'Bad at Improvisation'!**

"How d'you know 'bout Major Egghead 'n friends?!" Luke demanded. The other men all did the sweat drop emodicon.

"Just asking Van for sword tips!" Guy said hastily, sweating quite a bit and scratching the back of his head. "Even the Amazing Guy-" The cheesy superhero music swelled again as he struck a majestic pose. "-needs some pointers once in a while,"

"Wha?" the boy tilted his head for what had to be the twentieth time that day. **Luke got the title 'You really do have ADD, don't you?'!** Suddenly, everything got really bright and Luke was suddenly a Jedi for second. "Somethin' comin!" he exclaimed to no one in particular. **Luke got the title 'Jedi'!**

"Luke!" Van waved a hand in front of the boy as the lighting in the city went back to normal and its citizens attempted to get the spots out of their eyes. "Quit being distracted by the adverse weather we seem to be having today!"

"What, now?" Luke replied.

"Ready for training?" Van asked patiently, a vein throbbing in his temple.

"Yeah!" Luke eagerly got out his sword.

"I'll just watch from over here, then," Guy did a few backflips and handsprings over to a bench. Van raised his hand and summoned a killer dummy from the eighth dimension (or maybe it had been there the whole time and Luke hadn't noticed it).

"Okay, then, Luke. Use the L-stick to move," Van explained. The boy looked around for the mysterious L-stick, but found nothing. Before he could inquire, though, Van was already plowing ahead in the lecture he had been giving for six years but Luke still didn't remember half of it so here they were, going over it again. "Now, do a normal attack on that dummy with the X button," Luke looked around more frantically for the non-existent button. "Use the X button and L-stick together to do high and low attacks,"

"What are these things!?" Luke screamed, utterly confused.

"The buttons on your controller, dummy!" Van snapped impatiently, merely increasing poor Luke's confusion levels. "Anyway, next we'll learn how to hold your sword in front of you and magically stop stuff from hitting you, even when they stab around it. Just press the square button," Luke looked frantically around, wishing the mystical buttons and stick would manifest themselves to be pressed. "Finally, press the O button to use an arte," Van continued, pointedly ignoring the fact that his pupil was now in the fetal position, sobbing and muttering about O and X buttons that weren't there. "I showed you Fang Blade about 64 times, so you should know it by now," No reply was forthcoming besides inane muttering. "Anyway, combine regular attacks with artes to make combos," The dummy disappeared for no reason. "If you fight enough, you'll learn new stuff and then you'll be able to organize it in the Artes menu and then use the L-Stick and O to perform them,"

"What are these things!?" Luke whined pitifully, wishing the magical talking door would elaborate. **Van gained the title 'What the heck are you talking about?!'!**

Meanwhile, an eerie melody echoed through the lobby of the manor from the mouth of a young girl. The guards promptly changed into their PJs and fell asleep on the job.

"Good work, Luke!" Guy called. Suddenly, an eerie tune was heard being sung. "Nighty-night…" Guy fell down with a squeaky sound and started to snore. **Guy got the title 'Bad Bodyguard'**

"Stupid lullaby…" Van muttered, falling to one knee.

"Can't move!" Luke added, despite the fact that he clearly could.

"It's a Fonic Hymn!" Pere shouted for no reason. **Pere gained the title of 'You Talk Too Loud for No Good Reason'!** "Has a Seventh Fonist invaded the manor?!" Then he too fell down with a squeaky noise and started snoring.

"I've finally found you!" a girl in an out-of-fashion, brown outfit jumped off the roof; which was odd, seeing as she was inside a moment ago. This overly-common line from anime and video games said, she continued without pause, charging at Van. "Vandesdelca! Prepare to die, traitor!" He easily dodged by moving slightly to the left, forcing her to skid to a stop behind him.

"Darn it, Tear! I already gave you your allowance for the month!" Van snapped as Luke stared blankly on. All of a sudden, something clicked in his head and he thought it would be a good idea to swing at the random, obviously homicidal girl with terrible fashion sense.

"No!" Van shouted dramatically.

"Resound and Lorelei's Will will show you the way!" the random old man voice shouted Tear blocked the wooden sword with her rather short staff and, for some reason, both of them got radioactive and started having waves shoot out of their weapons while they glowed, against the laws of physics and all logic and reason. Then they abruptly turned into a big ball of light and shot off into the sky with dual screams.

"No! The seventh fonons have reacted to one another!" Van shouted, looking up at the sky in what he obviously thought was a dramatic and enigmatic way.

"What's that mean?" Guy asked with a yawn.

"Beats me," Van shrugged. "I was just trying to sound cool…" **Van got the title 'Overly-dramatic Actor Wannabe!**

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**N2D got the title 'Gives too many stupid titles to the characters'! Anyway, remember to review!**


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